The legend of The fundaMentals, or The 'Mentals to be brief
Began in mythic legend and will end to much relief
Danger Dan and Billy!!! met in a graveyard late one night
And they knew when they first spoke that neither was quite right
Now Billy was a drummer and Dan played lead guitar
And both believed that rock and roll was needing CPR
We need to start a garage band! Danger Dan exclaimed
Billy!!! agreed completely which just proved he was insane
They stuck it out together, an odd pairing it would seem
One had monkeys in his attic, one a nature boy supreme
They spent years a-searchin' for the right men for this crew
To carry out these rock and roll feats of derring-do
Till one night at the crossroads The Icon did appear
Running from his psycho ex with nothing but his gear
He played guitar and sang if you can really call it such
His ego was astounding, his talent not so much
Danger Dan approached him with Billy!!! at his side
He put out his hand and said “Let's take this nationwide!”
The Icon looked them over and he thought it a bit queer
That the drummer wore a pirate hat and his drumsticks smelled like beer
But The Icon spoke these words and never shall the world forget it
“Okay, you can count me in, though I'm sure that I'll regret it”
The search was on for thunder, for a man who played the bass
Many came and went but no one really rocked the place
The Mad Bomber stepped into view and the lightning, it did flash
Some 'Mentals were impressed by him, and some were merely trashed
He said “I'll play the bass for you, you'll feel me shake the floor
But you don't want to piss me off, I've blown shit up before”
They moved to Billy!!!'s living room, none could afford garages
Prepared to bring their sonic boom to bars and Mason lodges
Then Big Hoss appeared one night, blocking light from all the room
“I want to join a rocking band, but I'll settle for you goons”
He brought style to the 'Mentals, yes his keyboards brought some class
And if he wasn't so damn big he woulda been out on his ass
For The 'Mentals don't do classy and their aim is far from true
But Hoss was in the building, wasn't diddley they could do
They worked hard at rocking, rising at the crack of noon
It was hard to tell if they were music buffs or just buffoons
The people celebrated them, in toast they raised their cups
“Those 'Mentals kept on rocking up until the cops showed up!”
They rocked bars and barmitzvahs, festivals and halls
Some bands had more talent, but no one had bigger balls
They played it loud and sloppy, they always walked the walk
They'd have been much better off if they just didn't talk
Then Billy!!! left the 'Mentals and the faithful they did wail
The band said “Whatcha bitchin' 'bout? We're glad he's not in jail”
It would take a special person to fill the drummer gap
They knew it would be difficult to fill that pirate hat
Danger Dan he hugged a tree, The Icon looked askance
The Mad Bomber blew shit up and Big Hoss dropped his pants
They searched the whole world over, they looked cradle to grave
Then one day this hairy dude came wandering from a cave
He said “My name is Caveman and I sing and play the drums
And I don't have the good sense not to join up with you bums”
The band was back in business and the faithful did rejoice
They hijacked a friends garage and made that 'Mental noise
But the cops came and took Caveman, and the faithful they did wail
The band said “Whatcha bitchin' 'bout? We're glad he's not....nevermind”
Our boys were getting cranky, they were tiring of this crap
They were starting to go through drummers near as fast as Spinal Tap
Then some guy from Jersey named The Hammer took the gig
He had a lot of talent and his mouth was really big
Born to be a 'Mental, normal not among his tricks
He thought our boys were private eyes, saying “What a bunch of dicks”
He said “I'll join this sorry bunch, though I don't know what I'm thinking
Maybe it will make some sense if I do a lot more drinking”
With the Hammer in the fold the band was sounding tight
He said “You guys can really rock even if you ain't too bright”
Then The Bomber left the band so he could follow his own track
Most impressive was he left with all his digits still intact
By now The fundaMentals weren't going to sing the blues
They'd survived the 1980's, pestilence and nukes
Then Chas came to the door one night, his bass guitar in hand
Not there to audition, he just asked to use the can
They asked if he would mind just jamming on a couple songs
He said” I'm too smart to join you guys”.....turned out that he was wrong
Back to their full complement, no rock and roll mirage
They readied to release their next Barrage from the Garage
They planned the “Road To Rehab Tour” of clubs and petting zoos
'Cuz no one can rock the way The fundaMentals do
The album “Get Off Our Lawn!” came out to positive reviews
“Full 'Mental Jacket” kept up the roll for your favorite 'Mental goons
The single “Locked and Loaded” kept the rockin' good times flying
Though we couldn't get you cheap mofos to go online and buy it
But all good things must end they say, and so it came to pass
That Big Hoss left the 'Mentals with a foot stuck in his ass
The Hammer left for Cali, The Icon passed out on the lawn
Chas quit to play in bar bands and the band was all but gone
It looked bleak for our heroes, and their brains were kinda fried
But Dan and Icon went on the hunt for two more squirrelly guys
They brought Glyn Edwards in to pound the skins and play the drums
Carlton Noles to play the bass while the others flap their gums
But the rhythm section wandered off as they are known to do
The Icon and Danger Dan were black and blue from deja vu
Shook their fists at the heavens, is a drummer too much to ask?
Be careful what you wish for, it just might bite you in the ass...
And thus a drummer came along, calling himself Dave the Fave
He looked like a 6 foot leprechaun that had climbed out of a grave
A fine upstanding drummer (now that's an oxymoron there)
He was another geezer but at least he still had hair
Heather Straw and Mary Tero, against all common sense
Joined the band and quickly learned familiarity breeds contempt
On bass and keys respectively took the music to new heights
Joining also proved that they're no smarter than the guys
Lest we forget Mr. Richard Young, best known as “Whiskey” Dick
Born to be a 'Mental, he's a raving lunatic
12 string, bass, and harmonica, rumor has it he can sing
As popular as liver spots and personality of a Sphynx
They live the spirit of rock and roll and that cannot be bought
So if you would be so kind, keep the 'Mentals in your thoughts
The Devil doesn't want them and they'll never get to heaven
Doomed to walk the earth alone with their amps turned to 11.
Carlton Noles to play the bass while the others flap their gums