The legend of The fundaMentals, or The 'Mentals to be brief

Began in mythic legend and will end to much relief

Danger Dan and Billy!!! met in a graveyard late one night

And they knew when they first spoke that neither was quite right


Now Billy was a drummer and Dan played lead guitar

And both believed that rock and roll was needing CPR

We need to start a garage band! Danger Dan exclaimed

Billy!!! agreed completely which just proved he was insane


They stuck it out together, an odd pairing it would seem

One had monkeys in his attic, one a nature boy supreme

They spent years a-searchin' for the right men for this crew

To carry out these rock and roll feats of derring-do


Till one night at the crossroads The Icon did appear

Running from his psycho ex with nothing but his gear

He played guitar and sang if you can really call it such

His ego was astounding, his talent not so much


Danger Dan approached him with Billy!!! at his side

He put out his hand and said “Let's take this nationwide!”

The Icon looked them over and he thought it a bit queer

That the drummer wore a pirate hat and his drumsticks smelled like beer


But The Icon spoke these words and never shall the world forget it

“Okay, you can count me in, though I'm sure that I'll regret it”

The search was on for thunder, for a man who played the bass

Many came and went but no one really rocked the place


The Mad Bomber stepped into view and the lightning, it did flash

Some 'Mentals were impressed by him, and some were merely trashed

He said “I'll play the bass for you, you'll feel me shake the floor

But you don't want to piss me off, I've blown shit up before”


They moved to Billy!!!'s living room, none could afford garages

Prepared to bring their sonic boom to bars and Mason lodges

Then Big Hoss appeared one night, blocking light from all the room

“I want to join a rocking band, but I'll settle for you goons”


He brought style to the 'Mentals, yes his keyboards brought some class

And if he wasn't so damn big he woulda been out on his ass

For The 'Mentals don't do classy and their aim is far from true

But Hoss was in the building, wasn't diddley they could do

They worked hard at rocking, rising at the crack of noon

It was hard to tell if they were music buffs or just buffoons

The people celebrated them, in toast they raised their cups

“Those 'Mentals kept on rocking up until the cops showed up!”


They rocked bars and barmitzvahs, festivals and halls

Some bands had more talent, but no one had bigger balls

They played it loud and sloppy, they always walked the walk

They'd have been much better off if they just didn't talk


Then Billy!!! left the 'Mentals and the faithful they did wail

The band said “Whatcha bitchin' 'bout? We're glad he's not in jail”

It would take a special person to fill the drummer gap

They knew it would be difficult to fill that pirate hat


Danger Dan he hugged a tree, The Icon looked askance

The Mad Bomber blew shit up and Big Hoss dropped his pants

They searched the whole world over, they looked cradle to grave

Then one day this hairy dude came wandering from a cave


He said “My name is Caveman and I sing and play the drums

And I don't have the good sense not to join up with you bums”

The band was back in business and the faithful did rejoice

They hijacked a friends garage and made that 'Mental noise


But the cops came and took Caveman, and the faithful they did wail

The band said “Whatcha bitchin' 'bout? We're glad he's not....nevermind”

Our boys were getting cranky, they were tiring of this crap

They were starting to go through drummers near as fast as Spinal Tap


Then some guy from Jersey named The Hammer took the gig

He had a lot of talent and his mouth was really big

Born to be a 'Mental, normal not among his tricks

He thought our boys were private eyes, saying “What a bunch of dicks”


He said “I'll join this sorry bunch, though I don't know what I'm thinking

Maybe it will make some sense if I do a lot more drinking”

With the Hammer in the fold the band was sounding tight

He said “You guys can really rock even if you ain't too bright”


Then The Bomber left the band so he could follow his own track

Most impressive was he left with all his digits still intact

By now The fundaMentals weren't going to sing the blues

They'd survived the 1980's, pestilence and nukes


Then Chas came to the door one night, his bass guitar in hand

Not there to audition, he just asked to use the can

They asked if he would mind just jamming on a couple songs

He said” I'm too smart to join you guys”.....turned out that he was wrong


Back to their full complement, no rock and roll mirage

They readied to release their next Barrage from the Garage

They planned the “Road To Rehab Tour” of clubs and petting zoos

'Cuz no one can rock the way The fundaMentals do


The album “Get Off Our Lawn!” came out to positive reviews

“Full 'Mental Jacket” kept up the roll for your favorite 'Mental goons

The single “Locked and Loaded” kept the rockin' good times flying

Though we couldn't get you cheap mofos to go online and buy it


But all good things must end they say, and so it came to pass

That Big Hoss left the 'Mentals with a foot stuck in his ass

The Hammer left for Cali, The Icon passed out on the lawn

Chas quit to play in bar bands and the band was all but gone


It looked bleak for our heroes, and their brains were kinda fried

But Dan and Icon went on the hunt for two more squirrelly guys

They brought Glyn Edwards in to pound the skins and play the drums

Carlton Noles to play the bass while the others flap their gums


But the rhythm section wandered off as they are known to do

The Icon and Danger Dan were black and blue from deja vu

Shook their fists at the heavens, is a drummer too much to ask?

Be careful what you wish for, it just might bite you in the ass...


And thus a drummer came along, calling himself Dave the Fave

He looked like a 6 foot leprechaun that had climbed out of a grave

A fine upstanding drummer (now that's an oxymoron there)

He was another geezer but at least he still had hair


Heather Straw and Mary Tero, against all common sense

Joined the band and quickly learned familiarity breeds contempt

On bass and keys respectively took the music to new heights

Joining also proved that they're no smarter than the guys


Lest we forget Mr. Richard Young, best known as “Whiskey” Dick

Born to be a 'Mental, he's a raving lunatic

12 string, bass, and harmonica, rumor has it he can sing

As popular as liver spots and personality of a Sphynx


They live the spirit of rock and roll and that cannot be bought

So if you would be so kind, keep the 'Mentals in your thoughts

The Devil doesn't want them and they'll never get to heaven

Doomed to walk the earth alone with their amps turned to 11.


Carlton Noles to play the bass while the others flap their gums